I walk up the lightning strike from Malkuth to Kether. It feels like I am leaving every known thing and even my life – literally being alive – behind. I look people in the eye and kiss them goodbye, as I walk past them. I thought it would be a joyful progression but it is so solemn and severe I am almost weeping. When I reach the disc of Kether recognition settles in me, I take a deep breath and turn to face the rest of the Tree.
It is so far away. I am so far away. Even though everything is equally spaced, it’s as if a vast distance has opened up between me and the rest of the Tree; they are light years away. I want to cry, to burst into tears at being so alone but I feel too far away even for tears. As it happens, there’s no-one holding Hokmah or Binah, so although I see their pure clarity, unmuddied by human elements and know them as intimately related to myself, it means the whole top triad and the abyss separate me from everyone else who’s here. I am far, far distant. Remote. I tremble with it.
There are four people in the middle pillar and I like that, the solidness of it. That feeds into Kether, a little. It is not all emanating from here, absolutely everything; some energy and spark feeds upwards, back to this position. It feels as if I am laid bare, here, in undifferentiated love; that each other sephiroth is a love, a lover; each utterly adorable to me and each completely different. They are all my lovers, even though I am so separate from each one of them; they are closer to each other than to me. But I am fully here, offering it all. Everything came from here, from me. I am. I am the I am. I am the I am that I am.